Tuesday, August 23, 2011

Fault Lines

Last night I dreamed that the 'Big One' hit. I was in the North Bay and trying to get back to my house in San Francisco but the Golden Gate Bridge had been destroyed. So I'm just across the water in Marin and this huge brother in a boat comes along and he's like 'Sup girl, I saw you from miles back and I've been trying to get at you for miles' and all I could say was 'You might not want to tell people you saw them from behind, miles away'.

Anyway he proceeds to try and woo me by saying that he wants to see my fault lines. Um....this is THE worst pick-up in the history of reality or fantasy. I ran away from him and got on another boat with this lady and her kid. They had so much money that the kid had 5 different stages for putting on puppet shows. They were all themed: The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe; A Midsummer Nights Dream; Punch & Judy; Dracula; Star Trek.

We continued on our way and then when I got home it was like nothing had happened. My house was fine and everyone kept asking me why I was so upset. It turns out that in the process of saving the boat lady's little girl, I had somehow misplaced the girls bedframe (?). I had to go door to door to all of these businesses and ask them if they'd seen a Twin bed frame. After much heartache it turned out that her bed pulled out of a daybed so the frame was there the whole time.

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

2 Weeks

I stayed with a friend last night. For dinner we had sushi and for dessert we had the grossest frozen yogurt I've ever tasted. The frozen yogurt gave me horrible gas. I blame the frozen yogurt for the dream I am about to recall.

I'm walking with my friend down Fillmore street and we're window shopping and sipping on iced coffee. All of the sudden I feel the baby kick. Then the baby starts doing somersaults and kicking at the same time.

This goes on for awhile until I realize that I'm in labor! She is also pregnant but her gestation time is of a normal rate and although she is farther along than I am, my tummy is bigger and I'm now apparently in labor two weeks along.

She takes me to the hospital and I'm there for hours! I'm not dialated enough, the baby is turned, they can't find my doctor etc.
So I have to deliver this thing by myself. I'm not sure what happens next because the pain of childbirth has completely blocked out all memory.

I woke up and smelled my farts. I birthed a fart baby in my sleep.

Thursday, May 19, 2011

Last Night I Had The Strangest Dream

So someone was chasing me through Autobahn and I'm riding in a convertible Lamborghini. Now let me be clear, I am not driving, an unknown person is driving and the assailants chasing me are also unknown.

Through the twists and turns of the highway I realize that my friend Tommy is riding alongside the car driving a motorcycle with a sidecar. He’s got a leather pilot hat on and goggles like he’s Snoopy. Now in my head I’m having flashbacks to Wallace and Gromit and I can see that the pin is coming lose and I don’t want to hop into the sidecar.

The chase continues and I get all Sterling Archer on myself and decide to just go for it.

So the motorcycle paces the convertible and I make the jump into the sidecar.

Then I wake up, at least in my dreams I’m daring!

Thursday, May 5, 2011

Last Night I Had The Strangest Dream

i was in LA and driving through a tunnel and there was this fucking BAD ASS car speeding up behind me and it it was a female stunt driver and they were filming some crash or something
and then i went to a gym and some guy was talking to me about working out and i was like 'oh do you do like home fitness? like p90 or something?'
and then he struck a pose and flexed and was like 'this is me on p90x'
and then my friend jessica was there and she was doing yoga and someone tried to adjust her and she didnt have any underwear or pants on just her workout top and they put their thumb up her butt to make her back straighter during her downward dog

Thursday, December 9, 2010

Last Night I Had The Strangest Dream

Okay so I was at Lily Tomlin’s house and it was this huge house out in the woods. And she was hiding in a well by the gate to her house because she wanted to see people who tried to come visit her before she met them to see if she wanted to deal with them. Like people who 'drop by' she wanted to be like 'I don’t like them, let them get no response at the house'. and then if she liked them she would just crawl up out of the well wearing like a 'Gilligan’s Island' hat and was like 'I was just in the garden and I thought I heard a car...how good to see you!'

Anyway, so we're hanging out in the well and she's like 'hang out with me, you seem nice. I’ll tell you a story'

So we're hanging out in the well and there is some weird sexual tension because I’m not that into her but she's being kinda flirty and so she starts telling me this story but I am also imagining the story so it's like a dream within a dream. So she's telling me about this kid she used to take care of- like semi-adopted from the streets. she took him in and they lived lavishly in a fancy hotel and he was always getting into trouble because as he was getting older (like 12 or 14) he started acting out. You know, just sort of being a teenager so she's telling me this and in my mind I’m AT the hotel with them etc etc (you follow?)

okay so she's relating this story about how she would give him money to go eat breakfast while she was getting ready for a show and he would spend all the money on candy and not eat breakfast and how one time she told the concierge not to let him buy any candy and if he wanted breakfast he would have to eat a real breakfast in the hotel restaurant

so they cut this kid off candy and he pitches a fit and won't go eat real breakfast and the concierge tells him 'if you want to eat, you have to go to talk to Ms. Tomlin
so he's all pouty and like angry and she comes around the corner and is like 'look, you have to follow my rules if you want my help, I’m trying to help you'
so they walk to the concierge person and he tells them what the kid usually gets, necco wafers and Charleston Chews (I think this must have been like in the 50's or something)
so she sends the kid off to eat a real breakfast and then buys him a ton of candy and puts it in his dresser so he can still have candy and know that she loves him
anyway, so then we're back in the well and she's like 'we have to go inside!'
Like panicked. She’s like 'we're in danger'

So we go inside and go into this room that's waaaaay in the back of the house, it's like a panic room suite
she has a remote that closes the blinds and locks the doors etc. so she's doing all this and we hear people in the house and can see them on monitors looking through the house for us.
so they leave and don’t find us but we have to stay in the room for like YEARS so they won’t come back
They have to think we're gone. there was this glass it was like a super shitty vase the the kid bought her like years ago that was in the room we were hiding in and when we flee she grabs it and I’m like, ‘leave that jar here’ and she's like 'no, I can’t it's the only thing of value that I have'

And apparently I had succumbed to her desires because we were in that room for years and there was just a canopy bed.

So finally we are allowed to leave and she's like you see that? And it's this HUGE bridge that has all these circles and stuff on it like a kids racetrack (with like the loop-de-loops on it) and it's shaped like a lady's hand with long scary fingernails and she's like 'the only way we can get out of here is if you drive through that to the other side' so I get in this teeeeeeny tiny green car and drive and I almost drive off the bridge but I am very careful and there is a song on the radio by that girl from American Idol who's name I don’t know.

So I get to the other side and she took a TRAIN to meet me. I’m like, why did I have to do that drive by myself and she's like 'that’s the only way we could throw them off the track because no one else can drive that bridge' (like we separated and they followed me so she could escape in a train).

Anyway, so we're walking around San Francisco and we're under the overpass for 80 - like out by rainbow market and Costco and a huge earthquake hits. Like HUGE and the bridge collapses and then I see…super far away Sutro tower falls town and then I see the golden gate bridge fall down and I’m like holy shit, is this a terrorist attack or an earthquake and she's like 'we have to go to Oakland. Richmond is the only safe place - Richmond hills, let's go!’ so we get in my tiiiiny green car and go to Richmond and I call my dad to tell him I’m okay and he tells me to pack a backpack and make sure I have a flashlight
So I do and Tomlin and I are in this like old people's home and we're running room to room trying to gather supplies before the next aftershock hits.

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Last Night I Dreamt That Somebody Loves Me

An ex took me to meet their parents for the holidays. They lived in a huge RV that was also a houseboat.
There were about 10 children and we had tamales and lumpia for our holiday meal. It was awesome until the mom found us getting randy in the pantry and then made me sit on the porch while the entire family (children included) told me how inappropriate it is to fondle their kin in a closet.

Monday, November 29, 2010

Last Night I Had The Strangest Dream

I met up with my friend Peanut at this really weird BBQ Sushi place where all the sushi rolls were rolled in panko and then grilled. After that we went to this club that was also a sex shop. We looked around at everything and ended up getting rubber keychains molded like vintage cars. I'm not sure why we found them at this club/sex shop but they were the only awesome thing there.
We left there and then headed towards the car but there was this new slide in Sacramento that she wanted to check out it was this HUGE canvas slide that went for miles and miles. It was only for people who owned iPhones and she desperately wanted to go on it. So we headed over there and because I was with a hot girl with an iPhone they let me go on it too. The Governator was ahead of us and he kept stopping mid-slide to try and talk to her. We finished the slide which took about 45 minutes and then we were headed to the bay area to see Passion Pit play at the Fox Theater. By the time we got back to the car it was like 11pm and we were both tired. So we ended up throwing in the towel for Passion Pit and went back to the club/sex shop to buy more stuff and show off the fact that I could walk in heels.