Friday, June 19, 2009

Last Night I Had The Strangest Dream...

So I was giving my sister advice on how to raise her two kids. Her daughter had turned into a MEAN little girl. I mean spiteful and hateful- mean.
We were all in a Target store and I accompanied them home and talked heart-to-heart with her daughter.
She said my sister was ignoring her and that's why she was being mean- to get her mother's attention.
I went into their backyard and I was standing among their plants and leaning against their fence-surveying their backyard like 'The Daughter Whisperer'.
In my infinite wisdom I told my sister to start talking to herself- whenever her daughter was around. Like 'Oh, I really like Pepsi better than Coke' or whatever. So she could include her daughter in the conversation.
In my mind it made perfect sense- they wouldn't have to really communicate they could just share their thoughts without having to give and take.
Then I woke up with a really creepy feeling.

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Dream

Last night I had the strangest dream...

I woke up and my house was full of yuppies. The same ones I had dinner with.
I looked at the clock and it was 12:45pm! I was SO late for work and still hungover. So I decided I'd better call in sick to work really soon.

I thought it would seem more responsible to call in sick at 1pm than it was to roll in at 1pm hungover with bed hair.

When I went downstairs in my house, it was filled with people. I mean wall-to-wall people. Most of whom I'd never seen before. They were all wearing tan pants and drinking white wine.

I told them I had called in sick but I was going back to sleep and they were really pissed I didn't want to sit around and eat bacon wrapped shrimp with them. (Which even now, sounds disgusting).

My boss sent me an email and told me that she was really sorry I was sick and hoped I felt better tomorrow and my guilt was so strong that I made myself sick worrying about it.

Thursday, June 11, 2009

Dream

Last night I had the strangest dream...

I was living in an apartment building and had locked myself out of my apartment.
I didn't know my neighbors very well but it was early evening and I figured I'd go across the hallway and see if I could use their phone to call a locksmith.

A guy opened the door, late 40's or early 50's gray hair with a little bit of facial hair going on. (He looked remarkably like a guy in my Tuesday yoga class- we’ll call him Jerry.) He introduced himself and his husband- who we’ll call Mike (who also looks remarkably like the guy from my Tuesday yoga class' husband).

They invited me in and let me use their phone; saying that they were just preparing dinner and I was welcome to stay and join them while I waited for the locksmith. They both seemed really nice so I decided to take them up on the offer.

They poured me a glass of wine and I went into the kitchen to help them prepare dinner. I don’t recall exactly what we were making- I don’t think it’s that important anyway.

So…I’m in the kitchen with Jerry and I’m chopping and slicing while Mike is in the dining room setting the table. The kitchen is smallish but amazing; indoor grill, stainless steel appliances and all the newest kitchen gadgetry. The tall one, Jerry needs to grab something so he comes over to the counter and retrieves something from the drawer next to me.

We continue chatting and dicing food, the conversation is good and I realize how cool these guys are and I’m so excited that they live so close- maybe we will become friends. The other one…Mike keeps popping in and grabbing dishes and silverware every once in awhile and apparently tending to something out on the patio. They are ‘honey’ and ‘baby-ing’ each other and giving each other little pecks on the cheeks. Generally doting.

So, Jerry starts needing things that are very close to me- stuff on the counter, in the cupboards and drawers. Every time he gets close he finds a way to make contact with me. Not like, his hand on my arm, but like his hip on my hip; which is instantly thrilling and also kind of confusing at the same time. I’m starting to get a little hot and bothered by this attention I’m getting and I don’t really say anything the first few times he bumps up against me.

Then things start escalating. He comes up from behind me and leans against my back (a sure-fire move as far as I’m concerned). He tells me that he has found me very attractive and would ‘very much’ like to take things further. Then he turns around and starts stirring whatever is going on in the saucepan on the stove. Then Mike walks in, refilling our wine glasses and exiting. I crawl up on the stepladder to get some small Pyrex dishes and Jerry comes back over and proceeds to feel me up. I’m not arguing- action is action.

Anyway, to avoid getting pornographic, Jerry basically dry-humps me several times in the kitchen between brief visits from his husband. It’s very hot.

I wake up and realize I don’t live in an apartment building and that gay men aren’t copping a feel.

Octagon of Sin

So I have a pretty large threshold for sin. I'm pretty liberal when it comes to things that I will allow myself and society to do before I pass major judgment.
Because I have such a large tolerance for sin and basic wrong-doing. I have decided to call it my "Octagon of Sin". Because I don't really consider it a line that is being crossed. I think there are various gray areas that exist.
I haven't really decided which sin each side relates to, but the concept seems to work for me.
For example, punching babies. If the child is irritating or being generally aggravating- I feel a punch to the face may, in fact, be in order. This is not outside of the "Octagon of Sin". However, I would consider chaining your child to the water heater outside of the "Octagon of Sin".

Everybody has a line- my line is the perimeter of an octagon.

Friday, May 29, 2009

My Dream

Last night I had a dream that I was on a ferry boat with Russell Brand. This wasn't just some regular ferry boat. This was a boat that was a floating amateur radio swap meet.
After walking around for awhile and looking at stuff. The two of us went ashore and sat on some wooden steps outside his parents house and drank iced citrus beverages and watched the sun go down.

Thursday, April 9, 2009

In Dreams

Last night I had a dream that involved Rick Garvais, Jessica Alba, my friends dad, an orgasm machine, murder and SAW like games. It was totally insane.