Thursday, December 9, 2010

Last Night I Had The Strangest Dream

Okay so I was at Lily Tomlin’s house and it was this huge house out in the woods. And she was hiding in a well by the gate to her house because she wanted to see people who tried to come visit her before she met them to see if she wanted to deal with them. Like people who 'drop by' she wanted to be like 'I don’t like them, let them get no response at the house'. and then if she liked them she would just crawl up out of the well wearing like a 'Gilligan’s Island' hat and was like 'I was just in the garden and I thought I heard a car...how good to see you!'


Anyway, so we're hanging out in the well and she's like 'hang out with me, you seem nice. I’ll tell you a story'

So we're hanging out in the well and there is some weird sexual tension because I’m not that into her but she's being kinda flirty and so she starts telling me this story but I am also imagining the story so it's like a dream within a dream. So she's telling me about this kid she used to take care of- like semi-adopted from the streets. she took him in and they lived lavishly in a fancy hotel and he was always getting into trouble because as he was getting older (like 12 or 14) he started acting out. You know, just sort of being a teenager so she's telling me this and in my mind I’m AT the hotel with them etc etc (you follow?)

okay so she's relating this story about how she would give him money to go eat breakfast while she was getting ready for a show and he would spend all the money on candy and not eat breakfast and how one time she told the concierge not to let him buy any candy and if he wanted breakfast he would have to eat a real breakfast in the hotel restaurant

so they cut this kid off candy and he pitches a fit and won't go eat real breakfast and the concierge tells him 'if you want to eat, you have to go to talk to Ms. Tomlin
so he's all pouty and like angry and she comes around the corner and is like 'look, you have to follow my rules if you want my help, I’m trying to help you'
so they walk to the concierge person and he tells them what the kid usually gets, necco wafers and Charleston Chews (I think this must have been like in the 50's or something)
so she sends the kid off to eat a real breakfast and then buys him a ton of candy and puts it in his dresser so he can still have candy and know that she loves him
anyway, so then we're back in the well and she's like 'we have to go inside!'
Like panicked. She’s like 'we're in danger'

So we go inside and go into this room that's waaaaay in the back of the house, it's like a panic room suite
she has a remote that closes the blinds and locks the doors etc. so she's doing all this and we hear people in the house and can see them on monitors looking through the house for us.
so they leave and don’t find us but we have to stay in the room for like YEARS so they won’t come back
They have to think we're gone. there was this glass it was like a super shitty vase the the kid bought her like years ago that was in the room we were hiding in and when we flee she grabs it and I’m like, ‘leave that jar here’ and she's like 'no, I can’t it's the only thing of value that I have'

And apparently I had succumbed to her desires because we were in that room for years and there was just a canopy bed.

So finally we are allowed to leave and she's like you see that? And it's this HUGE bridge that has all these circles and stuff on it like a kids racetrack (with like the loop-de-loops on it) and it's shaped like a lady's hand with long scary fingernails and she's like 'the only way we can get out of here is if you drive through that to the other side' so I get in this teeeeeeny tiny green car and drive and I almost drive off the bridge but I am very careful and there is a song on the radio by that girl from American Idol who's name I don’t know.

So I get to the other side and she took a TRAIN to meet me. I’m like, why did I have to do that drive by myself and she's like 'that’s the only way we could throw them off the track because no one else can drive that bridge' (like we separated and they followed me so she could escape in a train).

Anyway, so we're walking around San Francisco and we're under the overpass for 80 - like out by rainbow market and Costco and a huge earthquake hits. Like HUGE and the bridge collapses and then I see…super far away Sutro tower falls town and then I see the golden gate bridge fall down and I’m like holy shit, is this a terrorist attack or an earthquake and she's like 'we have to go to Oakland. Richmond is the only safe place - Richmond hills, let's go!’ so we get in my tiiiiny green car and go to Richmond and I call my dad to tell him I’m okay and he tells me to pack a backpack and make sure I have a flashlight
So I do and Tomlin and I are in this like old people's home and we're running room to room trying to gather supplies before the next aftershock hits.